A Dark Evening
I close my eyes and I am there again.
It was many, many years ago but I can still feel the emptiness in my heart. I don’t remember why I was there but I do remember how misunderstood I felt.
The master bedroom had a triangle shaped walk-in closet in a far corner. In the middle of the closet there was enough room for me to sit on my knees; only this time, in fetal position. I could feel the rough carpet against my legs slowly making small craters in my skin.
As tears fell down my face, one after the other… I remember asking myself, “why?”
Why was there so much tension? Why was this the road I chose? Was this going to be my life forever? I wish I knew the details of what led me to be in that closet that night. But all I know today is that I lived life unintentionally… almost at a point of acceptance that there was nothing else to it than what I already had. I was stuck. I was misunderstood. I had no dreams or aspirations. I was only in my 20’s and I honestly had no idea what I was doing.
All I did was work a 9-5 and then led meetings and events for youth in the evenings. That was life in a nutshell. Day after day, month after month, year after year… I just did what I thought was expected of my role. People’s opinion of me mattered so very much; to a point of being toxic.
Before I go on, let me also say, in the middle of that there were beautiful moments I’ll keep in my heart forever. My children were born during those years. My closest friends today walked into my life during those years.
The man I was married to then was the only way he knew how to be but he was also a family man who tried to make good memories. We were simply both extremely flawed in all the areas that would lead us straight to our divorce.
Was Divorce The Answer?
It’s such a sensitive subject that I altogether try to avoid it. Not because I want to hide it, but because I never want to be the excuse for someone to stop trying in their own marriage. Yes, I am Christian and that just makes my point of view so much more complex.
I don’t think divorce is the answer… it was just the answer for me. People can quote me all the verses on the topic but I am a thousand percent convicted that it was the road we had to take. It was the road I had to take.
I humbly must say, people have their life and I have mine. People can’t live my life for me… only I can do that. So I decided that I wasn’t going to live unhappy just to make people comfortable.
When I was going through my separation, I would meet with two of my dearest friends almost on a weekly basis. They were there with me in the midnight hour. They’ve seen me at my lowest and most lost state. (Ladies, you know who you are, and for you I’m eternally grateful.)
Of all the conversations I shared with them there was one revelation in my heart that comforted me. (I’m going to use the word God now, don’t freak out. lol)
It’s true, God hates divorce. He just doesn’t hate it for the reasons that usually come to mind… He doesn’t hate it because of religion. He doesn’t hate it because it’s a rule breaker. He hates it because of the pain it causes us and our children. God doesn’t want to see us suffer.
So God isn’t mad at me because I am divorced. If anything, He is sad that I ended up in the middle of such pain. That ultimately speaks of His love for me, not His judgement.
So is divorce the answer? No. I don’t think so.
In my life, divorce was an inevitable result of poor decisions, of years of mutual negligence, and a lack of intentionality and love.
Divorce was not the result of loving myself, it was the trigger.
I did not learn to love myself because I got a divorce.
Having a divorce taught me that I needed to love myself. And the journey began! After the most painful season of my life, I slowly started putting the pieces of it altogether… for the first time. Being in my 30’s has honestly been living my 20’s. I feel healthier now, I feel stronger now, I feel more adventurous and I feel much more mature.
Launching my blog last year has been one of the most empowering things I’ve ever done. I enjoy dedicating my time to inspire others to intentionally create a life they love; mainly because it’s what I learned to do and what I continue to do day by day.
Create a Life You Love
The slogan came to me while I was writing one of my first blog entries back in May 2020. I realized that it has become my passion. I disliked my life for such a long time because I gave others the authority to make all the decisions in it.
Today I finally realize that I get to chose. It’s not meant to be a proud “you can’t tell me what to do” or “I do whatever I want with my life” approach.
Instead it is the opposite. Creating a life you love involves joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
It is not only working out (which is one of the things I most post about on socials lol) but it is loving your body so much that you nourish it and strengthen it.
It is not only raising your children. It is creating a bond that when they get older they will want to continue spending time with you.
It is not just living life. It is following your passion; pouring yourself and your creativity into that one thing that sets your soul on fire.
Creating a life you love is forgiveness, it’s travel, it’s friendships, it’s being outdoors… and it’s absolutely… coffee! Ha!
If you’re married: fight for it. No marriage is perfect. It’s such hard work. My biggest fear is that you look at me and think “Wow, she got out of that marriage and now her life is amazing”. That’s not how it works. I could be divorced and miserable. I chose not to be. But you know what? Being single is hard, too. There’s nobody telling you they’ll be by your side forever. In today’s world, people just want to have fun. Fun is good… fun can also be hurtful. So treasure what you have and fight for it until your last breathe. Create a life you love… together!
If you’re single: You’re life is NOT going to be amazing once you get married! Haha… trust me, I’ve been there. We have to be whole right now, today, by ourselves. Maybe I’m being a dreamer (as I usually am) but if I don’t believe… then that’s kinda boring! I choose to believe that the right person will come around in the middle of my own journey. I just have to be actively walking my path. My beautiful, amazing, adventurous, wild path that I created own my own. How about you do the same? Create the best version of you. That person will love it.
This was awesome. I love pouring myself on the page and I hope it encouraged you. (If it did, deff. leave a comment!)
Be intentional. Create a life you love… and believe that the best is yet to come!
I appreciate you. <3