In My Heart, On My Mind

Updated: Jan 18



On the mornings that I take my kids to school, I am extra early to work. Many times I end up staying in my car for a little while before walking into the office. Earlier this week I found myself in the final chapters of the book I had been reading, I was carrying it with me everywhere I went.


On Thursday morning, I drove to work from school, I parked my car outside the office and took out my book as I sipped away slowly at my coffee.


The book is called “Not Part of the Plan” by Kirsten Clark and Bethany Beal. If you follow me on instagram, you’ve probably witnessed my excitement about it… it truly was great and so very timely.


The book had actually found me rather randomly. I was searching for messages to watch on youtube (like from Steven Furtick or my Pastor, Rich Wilkerson) that search led me into a video from Sadie Robertson. Before her vid started, an ad came up from these two sisters talking about their book (Bethany and Kirsten). Their stories captivated my attention.


One of them married young and always wanted to start a family but found herself fighting infertility. The other sister had bought a wedding dress without even having a boyfriend! She had my at crazy. haha! Needless to say, two days later, I already had the book in my hands and was well into the first chapter.


Anyway, fast forward a couple of weeks, I’m sitting in my car and I was reading my way through chapter 9. Kirsten was telling a story about how she had finally gotten pregnant a third time after two miscarriages…


Listen to me as you read this: I was in TEARS!


I have no idea why but her fight with infertility was what was speaking to me the most. I found it so wierd because… well, first I’m a mom! In the past, getting pregnant was easy for me. Second, because I’m single and it would only seem obvious that I be moved by Bethany’s story of having bought a wedding dress that still hung, unused, in the back of her closet almost 10 years later.


I mean, obviously, her messages were insightful to my current lifestyle but… to cry? No. On the other hand, Kirsten could barely hint at another failed pregnancy story and my waterproof-less mascara was already making it’s way down the sides of my cheeks.


After 5 minutes of reading and the tears already starting to run, I closed the book in frustration.


“WHY AM I CRYING, GOD?” – I said out loud like a crazy person. “I don’t understand.” I grabbed all my things and started heading into the office, still drying tears from my eyes.


What is God trying to teach my through infertility? Infertility that is not even my own. I’ve learned in this season of my life to look within me in order to grow outwardly. So here’s the impression I have of where I believe this is coming from.


GIVING UP CONTROL


Y'all, I hate to admit it but I’m a control freak. Yes, I’ve grown a lot in this area but in my personality, I still believe that I know how to do things the best way and therefore, if I’m in control things will be excellent and I (or the project) will succeed.


Only… well, life doesn’t work that way. We can’t control the people around us any more than we can control the weather.


Three years ago, when my marriage ended, I thought I would be a pro at dating. Dating? I mean, how hard can that be?


“Haha-ha-haha” (in a Simba voice) “I laugh at the face of dating!”


Turns out dating is the single hardest thing to do in Miami. It’s a runner up to saying no to coffee. It goes face to face with the 40th minute of F-45 when you’re drenched in sweat, you’re out of breath, and your partner is killing the last exercise.


Alright, I think you guys get the pic.


I believe that Kirsten’s infertility was the perfect analogy of how little I can control the life that unfolds around. I put myself in her shoes and I can feel the helplessness of wanting something that month after month simply doesn’t happen.


You can do the homework, check off all the boxes, eat all the right things, avoid all the wrong things and still get a negative pregnancy test. How frustrating it is to not have control.


So I’ve laid in bed countless nights embracing the thought that I have no control. I am embracing the hope that as I focus razor-sharp at what I know God already instructed me to do, He is somehow working out the rest of my life.


Honestly, it’s liberating. I use to be so anxious about tomorrow. I made decisions based on my emotions and my desire to write my own story and at the end it has all failed. So being able to let go and trust in God’s story-telling has taken such a huge weight off my shoulders.


At the end of the book Kirsten shares how her infertility lead her and her husband to adopt two Ukrainian brothers. Ask me how much I cried in that chapter. Yeap, you guessed it. I’ve become a cry-baby.


Hopefully one day she is miraculously able to hold a baby in her womb but today she celebrates that her situation changed the lives and the destiny of two orphan boys that otherwise could have very well lacked a family.


God is the greatest story-teller.


BIRTHING A GODLY DREAM


The second reason why I believe I was so moved by infertility is because just as we can give birth to a baby, we can give birth to a dream.


As I mentioned before. I know there is a task that God has placed in my heart to create. He gave it to me years ago and because of my eagerness to write out my own story, I have delayed my dream, my God-dream.


Nevertheless, there is a verse that says “God makes everything work for the good for those that love Him.” …and ya’ll, I am head over heals in love with my God.


In order for a baby to be born, there is a 9-month waiting period that takes place. During that time, the baby is being formed and growing in the intimacy of their mother’s womb. Just like that, I believe that when we have a dream, there is a time of preparation within us that nobody sees.


Many times we see the accomplishments of the people around us and though great, we have no idea how much effort and preparation that person went through in order to arrive at where they are. We don’t see the sacrifices, the sleepless nights, the sweat or tears they endured in order to mature for their season of harvest.


I have never been where I am right now.


I have never seen the world from the perspective of where I currently stand. Through the many chapters of my story I have matured into a person I never knew could exist. For many years I believed I was not enough. I believed I was in constant competition for my calling in life.


I have not pursued my calling due to creative infertility. This is why I cry. Because there is a burning inside of my soul that now believes that the best is yet to come and that finally I’m at a place to fight for it.


KEEP IT IN YOUR HEART – THINK ABOUT IT OFTEN


Last week I started a daily instagram story series called “Advent with CALUL”. For those of you that are still getting acquainted: CALUL is an acronym for create a life you love. It is my “brand” and the name through which I create all my content.


Advent is the arrival of a notable person, thing or event… in this case, the arrival of Jesus Christ, as a baby on Christmas Day.


Our society has turned Christmas as a commerce-centered event. That’s okay, I mean, I’ve finished with all my gift shopping already so I can’t say I’m not “part of the system”,lol. Nevertheless, I find it important that we also take time to prepare our hearts for what Christmas really means.


While preparing one of my advent posts, I read a verse from Luke, chapter 2.

"They (the shepherds) hurried to the village and found Mary and Joseph. And there was a baby, lying in the manger. After seeing him, they shepherds told everyone what had happened and what the angel ha said to them about this child. All who heard the shepherds' story were astonished but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often."

When I read about how Mary dealt with the fame of her baby, I was astonished myself.


God had given Mary an instruction. Mary had willingly accepted her assignment. But honestly, how much weight over your shoulders would you feel if you knew your baby was the savior of humanity? I mean, us moms have enough mom-guilt as it is. I can imagine her inner battle of making sure she raised this baby right.


So how did she cope with the pressure? She “kept all these things in her heart, and thought about them often”.


This has become the secret to my madness. I know that lately I’ve been sharing about “waiting”. I know that I am in a waiting season when it comes to creating the complete family unit that my heart desires. But a waiting time is not a wasted time. I am waiting but while I do, I am focusing on what really matters. God put a impregnated me with a dream and like Mary, I am keeping it in my heart and thinking about it often.


Dear friend, I know you have a dream within you. I know there are probably things that you are analyzing and thinking “another year and I didn’t get that done”.


It is okay! I give you permission to set yourself free of the guilt and the what-if.


2021 was a different year that taught us many life-lessons. These lessons will either freeze you or they will champion you. I believe it is your time to give up the control and the responsibility and trust God in your moment. As we let go if the thing around us that we cannot control, we gain focus on dream within us. In your spare time, dwell on that, think about that… work on that. Make it happen!


Listen, God’s got me… and God’s got you. This is all part of creating a life you love and believing that the best is yet to come!